just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
