then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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