If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
