Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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