Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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