Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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