Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
