i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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