Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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