dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I could fuck to npr.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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