Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I think my vagina is haunted
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I stole a fireplace last night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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