when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
