it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
