he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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