Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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