the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
