He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
