whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I need to align my fucking chakras
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
