Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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