Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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