everyone is single if you try hard enough
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
