He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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