I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
