New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My feet surprised me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
