Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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