So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
