If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
