There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize