I skipped work to stalk him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize