My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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