Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize