i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
