But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
