Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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