Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
