Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
