I accidentally had phone sex last night
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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