I could make wine with my vomit
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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