don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
