your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Please don't give away my fajitas
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
