my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
