I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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