Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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