I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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