She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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