I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
