And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
