he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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