If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize