Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
