Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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