If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
