If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
