Plan B is the new Plan A
the day after is always just damage control
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
